When Being Thin Is All That Matters

It was back in the summertime when I was 14. I was enrolled in a part-time pre-professional high school ballet program. In this program we would train approximately 3 hours per day, 6 days per week, plus rehearsals and performances.

I had just gotten back from two different summer intensive dance programs, meaning I had danced from about 9:00am-3:00pm, 5-6 days per week, for 7 weeks. I had my head in the game and was ready to conquer this next season.

I had always been naturally underweight growing up. So often I had people commenting on how thin I was and I had been accused of being anorexic on many occasions. That wasn't the case though, I was just naturally very thin. With that being said, I was never concerned about my weight in the studio...until that particular first day back in the fall.

I walked into the studio and noticed one of my classmates had dropped a significant amount of weight over the summer. In that moment I remember asking myself in the back of my mind, "do I need to do that?," and it all began to spiral from there. I mean, after-all we were in "diet coke and cigarette" culture.

I began keeping track of everything I ate after that day. I had never really paid attention to it before. That lead to an awareness of calories. Then I began counting calories. From there I merged into calorie restriction. Before I knew it, I had passed through the gateway to very unhealthy dieting.

(The following paragraphs may be triggering to those who have experienced, or are currently experience eating disorders. Please use discernment before continuing. The methods I'm explaining are not to be practiced, and I am only sharing in order to promote health and to deter people from making the same mistakes.)

I started only allowing myself 900 calories per day. Only healthy or low calorie foods. Only small, carefully measured out, portions. Everything I ate was specifically timed. I also wouldn't eat after 6:00pm. I would often sleep with plastic wrap around my waist or thighs in order to lose water weight. I was constantly either in the studio or working out at home. I would weigh myself every morning. I would take my measurements once per week.

While living like that, I dropped 20 pounds in 4-5 weeks. I also stopped getting my period for about 6 months. My drastic weight loss became noticeable to the people surrounding me. All I would talk about was how many calories were in this, or how many were in that. The people who would help me fasten my costumes would notice them becoming looser by the day. I was drowning quickly.

I knew what I was doing was slowly killing me. However, I never realized how badly I was disrespecting and neglecting my body until I had an encounter with God. Everyone who's ever had a "wake up call" knows it can come in all different forms. Mine came through that encounter.

I began to eat again. I began to try to love my body and stop abusing it. I began to try to stop. To turn my life around.

Because of the terror I had put my body through, it became very complicated. I started binge eating. My body was so deprived that I literally couldn't stop eating. This led me to gaining back all the weight, plus more, which then led to me stressing and struggling to keep my weight down for ballet.

Looking back it all seems so clear and simple, but I remember those days so vividly. They were truly hell- each and everyone of them. I felt like I had absolutely no control over what was going on with my body and I would often wonder if I would ever escape my eating disorder. I felt so trapped. I felt like I had met my match, and maybe this was the one thing in my life I couldn't overcome. I felt like I was suffocating.

But, here I am, 6 years later (about 3 of those years were spent trying to claw my way out) healthy, at a normal weight, able to eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full, able to eat whatever I want, not counting any calories.

Recovery is possible. And you are worth it. Your body is worth it. Your body is amazing, inside and out, and deserves to be treated well. You are amazing. You deserve a full life.

The journey will be hard. There will be good days and bad days. Little losses. Little wins. Major losses. Major wins. Backslides. Huge steps forward. Doubt. Hope. Sadness. Anger. Frustration. Laughter. Happiness. Motivation. Inspiration. But most importantly, health. And you deserve it. You are worth it.

If you or someone you love is dealing with an eating disorder, please reach out and find help. We all need help in this life, and you do not ever need to fight completely alone. Find someone you trust, find a counselor, find a therapist. Whatever you do, find someone; a safe place. There is absolutely no shame in your struggle.

If you are not currently dealing with an eating disorder, but feel yourself starting to dabble in unhealthy tendencies, please draw the line immediately. Don't let yourself fall into that. It's not worth it. It is not worth your health. It is not worth your life. Find accountability. Talk it out with someone. Be real. Be honest. Disaster dwells in darkness, don't give these temptations the upper hand. You are worth a full life. Your body deserves to be treated correctly.

To anyone reading this, take one step towards your health today.

All my love,

Madie